For a National Space Toilet

By Albert Fried-Cassorla

I was very cheered by the Administration's plans to spend $100 billion to put a man on Mars and build a moon base. After all, if you're looking for a way of avoiding spending on human needs on Earth, you might think one could do no better.

But I do, in fact, have a better idea.

After all, the moon and Mars are so far away! The money we are proposing to waste there just can't be seen well enough by most Americans.

My idea is that we build a National Space Toilet. This would be a huge well-lit toilet structure several miles wide located in near outer space.

This exciting new mega-structure would have a huge illuminated cash register sign, visible to much of humanity. Every time a proposal came up to spend money on human needs here on Earth, politicians would simply launch a rocket filled with cash directly into the Space Toilet.

It would make a spectacular scene for those of us observing below as the lights flashed: "$1.5 billion squandered!" The cheers would be so loud, that even astronauts would hear it.

The beauty of this plan is that when pesky special interest groups ask for funds, they could be told by our leaders: "Sorry, we're broke. But you can watch the Space Toilet! Here are your special binoculars." The noisome complainers would then watch, cheer, and totally forget what they requested!!

This would help deflect tiresome demands from the likes of the poor, the homeless, Parkinson's sufferers, and the uninsured. And seniors asking for free or low-cost medicines would no longer have to travel to Canada. They could forget about their desires by visiting any open field where they'd be by the National Space Toilet in magnificent action!

Is this just the absurd if wonderful idea of a wild-eyed dreamer? Perhaps. But remember that at one time people scoffed at the idea of the Statue of the Liberty. Today, we need dreams as breathtakingly large as our politicians' stupidity. Therein lies our salvation.